9 September 2014


Week 36 | 2014

Three months ago I downed tools, literally, and abandoned my camera with no good reason but fear and rejection. I'd fallen into a self-propelling trap of seeking reassurance and acceptance from those that I admire and as such I made the mistake of seeking validation from a very dear and talented friend.

She did not make the noises I was hoping to hear, and through no fault of her own, it left me feeling hurt and unmotivated to continue on my journey. It railroaded me. It stopped me dead in my tracks and I lost all desire to continue because I'd filled myself up with self-doubt. My own worst enemy.

While I was disappointed with my friend's reaction to my work, I realise that my reactions to her comments were nothing but my own doing. I alone am the one that can take myself on this journey.

I spent some time abstaining from photographing altogether while I ironed out the creases in my damaged, delicate mind and finally, after about a month, I picked up my camera again. I realised that the only person missing out here is me. I'm the one missing the moments I want to cherish on film. I'm the one who will have months' worth of gaps in my 52 project photobook. I'm the one who will not be able to look back on these pictures and remember; remember that I was there, I pressed the shutter, I was the one privileged enough to be present for all these moments with my son. For that reason alone, I need to pick up that camera and push through my inadequacies.

This is a constant issue for me and while it remains I'm not going to progress to anything, not that this means I know how to overcome it. All I can do is try and carry on trying until it feels like second nature. Like breathing. I don't question myself every time I take a breath do I, so why for everything else?

Seeking affirmation and praise from others has got to stop - it's a brick wall that I trip over every time. So what if somebody doesn't like my images? I'm not taking pictures of our life as a family for anyone else's benefit but our own. So it stops here. M'kay?

Linking up with Jodi at Practising Simplicity


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