22 May 2013

Feelings of inadequacy; part II

Feelings of inadequacy have followed me around like a bad smell since I was little. For some reason I have always felt inadequate, never really having confidence in myself or my skills. I don't know where this stems from. Whether it is born from circumstance or events I don't - or can't - recall, or whether this is inbuilt in me. Like a strand of my DNA. Was I born to second guess myself..?

I had two great friends while in high school, and as part of an awesome threesome I always felt like the outsider. They never gave me reason to think this but I was convinced that they liked me the least and that they would much rather hang out with each other, without me there. This is just one example of my inferiority complex.

I convince myself, time and time again, that people don't like me. As much as I know most of this is paranoia, I really do feel that most of them don't. I seem to struggle to make long-lasting connections with people and I don't know why, but a lot of the people I meet just don't seem to have the time or space for a little bit of 'Stephanie' in their lives.

As you can imagine, this makes me pretty sad if I dwell on the matter. Thankfully I have someone in my life now who does like me and who only really has time and space in his life for me. Hurrah. But I say this with a sense of sadness too because I know my son can't be my 'best friend' forever. An ex boyfriend of mine once said to me, 

"Your only friends are me and your mum."

He was a cock. But is words stayed with me and now his words are morphing with the words running through my mind...

"Your only friends are your husband and your son."

Ack. 

That statement fills me with a melancholy sense of completion. How lucky I am to call these boys my best friends but how lonely it is to not have any other friends to call upon. Friends seem to slip through my fingers like grains of sand, despite my best efforts, and the ones I am lucky enough to call forever-friends are not on hand, living their own busy lives in other countries.

But the point of this piteous post is that, as a mother, it is more important now (more than ever) to be making firm friends. To be joining in on the community that is motherhood and finding some friends for my boy. I can live with my sadness of not having very many friends, but to tie my son to the same fate without helping him along the way is a thought that doesn't sit comfortably at all. Every parent wants for their child, what they did not have for themselves. And I'd like my boy to have some solid friends, from an early age, for life. He deserves it.

And as such I'm putting myself out there. I'm forcing myself to get involved with local groups, as uncomfortable as that feels. There are a few groups around here that I've managed become part of virtually, now I'm going to try and get stuck in physically. I only hope that once they meet 'us', they'll be happy to have us again. And again. And again. 

;)
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6 comments

  1. Ahh I wish we lived nearer each other!!

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    1. Did you know that I'm from Leeds and that all my family live there?... We're in Leeds often.. :-)

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  2. I'm your friend. Whether you like it or not!

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    1. Oh I like it Mahi. I like it a lot :-D

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  3. I relate to this so much. You know you're very welcome here , I've a feeling B and chuck would get on like a house on fire!!

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