30 November 2012

Confessions of a [bad] mother


When I started this blog I always intended for it to be an honest account of my journey into, and beyond, motherhood. Even if that means - with a heavy heart - that I have to confess to letting my poor son down, not once, but twice, in one week.

Sure, every parent makes mistakes. How else can we learn to be parents, these kiddies dont come with instructions and the manuals that exist for us 'adults' aren't exactly a one-size-applies-to-all jobby. But when a parent makes a mistake, we're usually pretty quick to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Not me..it seems.

In the space of a week I have taken my eye off my son for that split second which was long enough for him to fall, first from his high hair and onto the kitchen floor, and second off his changing mat and down onto the nursery floor.

SHIT.

My heart is in my mouth and, obviously, I feel dreadful. How could I let this happen (twice). To watch him, in slow motion, tumbling down onto the floor while trying to fly over to catch him in time, and failing. I've never scooped him up into my arms so fast, or held him so tight. Heart racing while trying to convince him that 'everything's ok'. How could I let him get into those situations?

I know these things happen, and I know as a fairly burly boy he is going to get into much bigger scrapes during his life, but to be the one responsible for it - when I should be doing everything I can to protect him. God, I'm an idiot that doesn't deserve such a brave, beautiful boy.

Thankfully he hasn't come to any harm during his tumbles (no thanks to me), except maybe a new inbuilt fear of heights. I have certainly learned a few things from this horrid experience; eyes, eyes, eyes. It literally takes a split second for your child to get into trouble. Always clip your baby into its high chair, and never, NEVER leave your baby sat up on their own on a high surface. Because, yes, your baby can sit up perfectly well, and will sit upright by himself on the carpet all-day-long, but as soon that surface is raised off the ground they get wobbly. Very quickly. I mean, I literally turned away and back again and just as quick as that, he was on the floor..

It's not going to happen again. Not to me. Not to him. Not on my watch.

My baby, my poor boy, I love you with all my heart and I cannot apologise enough to you for letting you down. I promise it won't happen again. You sweet, brave, beautiful boy.

***sorry honey***

:((
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