26 September 2011

day 88

by vika bakirova

so, we made it to 12 weeks. 12 weeks and 3 days to be precise. the day we reached 12 weeks was a good day. the first day i've felt semi human in a while and the 1st day of mb's return from oz. i was a happy lady.

then came 12 weeks and 1 day. and everything changed. i felt generally crappy again, something i'm now used to, although not entirely comfortable with. but more obscure than that, reaching 12 weeks brought with it a whole new host of worries. i'd quite easily say i'm more anxious now than i have been in the previous 5 weeks.

i've wondered what the real reason for this is.

could it be that our scan is coming up in 4 days time and i'm anxious to hear that everything is ok?
could it be that, although i definitely do not feel well, i feel considerably better and that is confusing my mind?
could it be the very recent onset of stomach aches and cramps?
or could it be the constant lower back ache i'm now adding to my list of pregnancy ailments?

either way, the combination of all of these are making me worry more than i probably need to. i just wish friday would hurry up and get here. already. so i can put my mind. at. rest.

another thing i think is a high contender are dopplers. now, before now, i've always been pretty laid back about the pregnancy affair. i'm not overly fussy and am quite happy to wait until our scans to see and hear our baby. i've heard of people using dopplers at home before and have heard how addictive they become and how they can, if you're that way inclined, make you worry more....

...my good friend donated a doppler to me the other day - i think it's safe to say i wouldn't have gone out of my way to buy one - but i was very happy to receive the donation from her. i put it away neatly and didn't give using it much thought for a little while as mb was away and i didn't want him to miss out on hearing srobble's heartbeat for the first time - i also thought it was too soon to be able to hear it. it wasn't until i saw online you can hear the heartbeat from around 12 weeks that i thought excitedly, 'let's give it a go'. i honestly, didn't expect to hear anything and i didn't really know what i was doing with it. so, it's no surprise then that we couldn't find a heartbeat. 'nothing to worry about', i told myself and mb. 'the scan is on friday, i still feel distinctively pregnant - everything is ok, i just dont know what i'm doing with this machine' [and i still dont if truth be told].

so why, now, can i not STOP thinking about this and why i am worrying myself over it? i cannot get it out of my head. and now i have to wait four torturous days to find out if everything is ok.

i honestly, wish i'd not tried the doppler before the scan. i do think, that devices like this should come with clear cut instructions on how to use. after all - it's a medical device that really, only an expert should be using. and it makes me wonder how many other women have experienced the same worry after inadequately using one of these machines?

i'd be really interested to hear other ladies thoughts on this device and how many of you would recommend them to your pregnant friends?

i'm unsure of my conclusion so far, i guess i'll have a better stance on the matter come friday but i DO think that they should not be used lightly. all manner of worry and alarm can come from it. if you have a medical condition or history that requires that level of monitoring then sure, these machines can be VERY helpful. but surely they should come with more than a paragraph or two of vague instructions. i mean, the one i used doesn't even tell you what to do if you dont find a heartbeat.

i mean, really, what DO you do?


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