the toughest day of my life

ok. this last weekend was shit. i mean really shit. 

our dearest, beloved cat, Bigdog, disappeared. it's not the first time; he's old - i mean, really old (born 1993 old), deaf and slightly, ever so slightly loopy. he's vanished for days before, and has come home happy as larry a few days later. 

this time was no different. it didn't feel different. he didn't come in first thing in the morning, as usual. not so odd and lately he'd been staying out a lot. come saturday i knew there was a problem. he was hurt, stuck or worse. come sunday we're handing out flyers and less than ten minutes into the job a neighbour tells us a cat matching the description of Bigdog was seen DEAD on the road near our house.

'IT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE OUR CAT'. i thought. 'he's old but not daft and he's never, EVER attempted the busy road near our home before. it's just not him!'.

fast forward to monday and i'm watching some woman from the local authority pull my beloved cat's FROZEN body; dropped in a yellow dustbin bag; out from a kitchen freezer tucked into the back of a warehouse that's hiding on the precipice of civilisation. not even hidden from view. you just dont see it until your pet is there. 

A KITCHEN FREEZER. 

add to this the trauma of having to take your cat in a bag, that you daredn't look into, to your vets to make sure he's definitely yours before you take him home to bury.

HE'S OURS.

HE'S NOT IN A VIEWABLE STATE.

HE'S RELOCATED TO A BOX WITH A BLANKET.

WE TAKE HIM HOME.

CRY.

CRY. 

CRY.

DIG. DIG. DIG.

BURY. PRAY. CRY.

CRY. CRY. CRY.

i lost a part of my heart and soul today and i know that in some way, i'll never, ever be the same again. this cat was huge. HUGE. to me. 

i buried a part of my heart in the garden today. i'll never be the same again.

today has taught me to never. EVER. assume that what you have is permanent. everything is transient and the world is cruel. make sure everyone you love knows you love them and dont EVER let them forget.

for everyone who has ever lost a pet they cared deeply for; i'm so sorry. my heart bleeds with yours.

please wish Bigdog a safe journey.

xoxo

CRY.